Today I got an email from Bethany. It was a reply to my
reply. She had written me her heart and I had responded in the most sincere and
empathetic way I knew how—also attempting to take myself off the pedestal she
had placed me on. I was vulnerable. I
was authentic. And I hoped she would remove me from the high place in which she
had placed me, for I feared if she didn’t, one day I would simply come tumbling
down without either of us having any sort of control. I do not belong there. On
a pedestal.
But she didn’t.
She didn’t take me off her pedestal. In fact, she told me
that she knew she had placed me there and intended it to stay that way because
it is where I belong. Bethany told me that one thing she loves most about me is
that I have no fear—“You just do things.” She said I do things without worrying
about the outcome—I just act, fearlessly. She said she wishes she could be more
that way.
What?
Less than 24 hours previous to me reading these Bethany
thoughts I sat in the car with my dad sobbing uncontrollably, telling him my
greatest weakness in life. . . is fear.
It causes anxiety, panic attics, nausea along with a vast
array of other physical ailments. “It is debilitating!” I yelled between tears
to my father.
But Bethany—she says I am fearless.
And that got me to thinking, what if I am?
What if I am fearless after all, but Negativity and Disbelief
in Self wants so badly to work its way into my mind and prevent me from doing
great things that I accept as truth
that I AM AFRAID.
My friend Fern says that fearful people don’t move to Africa
with a girl they’ve seen twice and ‘known’ for only two months.
They don’t return to Africa alone.
They don’t move to a new city where they don’t know a soul—and
stay.
They don’t go overseas to teach ESL for a year and travel Southeast
Asia.
They don’t pick up hitchhikers or make friends with burly
bearded homeless men.
They don’t river kayak and make friends with strangers along
the way.
So you see, FEAR does not own me after all.
And it doesn’t own you either.
Amy, I really liked this. I generally stay as far away from FB as possible so the fact I even saw and then read it is highly unlikely, but I think I was suppose to. I was just talking to a friend about how FB is often just a brag book or a highly filtered and a varnished version of lives and its refreshing to see your vulnerability and lack of varnish.
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