I haven’t been to a funeral in eleven years.
I realized this when I was rummaging through my closet to
find a black dress. I wondered aloud, Well,
what did I wear to the last funeral I went to? I couldn’t remember. It took
me a minute to realize it was John’s funeral. My high school classmate who died
in a freak car accident on the first day of our senior year.
Eleven years ago.
Eleven is quite a long stretch of time during which I did
not lose a single person. Not in death anyway.
The funeral I was headed to this time wasn’t for someone
close to me. It was for someone I had never met. I was going to my best
friend’s sister’s funeral. She had taken her own life and I was flying to
Pennsylvania to offer the only thing I possibly could—myself.
There’s nothing you can say to someone that has just lost a
friend, a daughter, a mother, a sister. There’s nothing you can say to take
away the pain, or even to quell it at all. There’s nothing you can do to
convince them one day they really will feel okay again. One day they really
will laugh again.
When I arrived in Lewisburg and saw Fern I embraced her, and
immediately felt sick to my stomach. We were surrounded by her family. She is
one of ten children and all of her siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews were
present. I cannot begin to express to you the sickening, overwhelming feelings
of loss, regret, guilt—pain that
permeated the air from that moment through the following days.
I cannot comprehend such a loss. I tried to imagine my own
sister in the coffin and I simply could not. Even still as I sit here and write
it seems like a bad dream, just as Fern said. It is unreal.
I told Fern I did not know what to say. I told her I did not
know what to do. I told her I was not going to pretend to understand because I
simply don’t. I told her I could offer an embrace, an ear, my presence. I told
her between sobs that I’m sorry I cannot fix her. I told her that I’m sorry I
can’t take away the pain.
Being in such an environment felt so foreign to me. Not
because I was at a funeral, but because I was amidst broken people. I realized
something quite eye-opening during that few days. I realized that I could not
remember the last time I took on someone else’s pain.
I could not remember the last time I looked outside myself.
The last few months have been painful. I lost someone I
cared deeply for and though not in death, it sure felt that way. It has been a
crazy ride. At times I have grieved and at times I have been numb. I have been
sorry and I have been pissed. I have felt anger and finally, I have felt Joy.
But more than anything, I have thought only of myself. I have wallowed in my
own pain and loss and misery for so long that I have been entirely unaware of
anyone but myself.
And so, for Miriam. . .
Miriam. I did not know
you and I will not pretend to. I do not know much about you at all because
regrettably, I never got to meet you. But I did spend four days with your
family as they mourned over you. So I can tell you what I saw.
I saw your mother,
father, sisters and brothers sit on the front lawn for hours at a time talking
about you. They talked about who you used to be. They talked about how you used
to laugh. They talked about how at one time you were such a lover of life. They
talked about how deeply you loved your daughters and what a good mother you
were. They talked about how your daughters were your world, and it tore you
apart that you could not be more a part of their lives. They talked about how
they were sorry. For not trying harder. For giving up. They talked about how
badly they wish you could come back. They talked about how they were all better
people for having known you. They talked about your COURAGE.
Miriam. The world is a
better place because of you. I know this as I said, not because I ever got the
privilege of knowing you personally, but because I witnessed the legacy you
left behind. Your daughters will be treasured, and everyone in your family will
live a fuller, truer, braver life from knowing you.
Thank you for teaching
my sweet Fern to be brave. And thank you for teaching Me how to look outside
myself.
"Comes And Goes (In
Waves)"
-Greg Laswell-
This one's for the lonely,
the one's that seek and find
Only to be let down time
after time
This one's for the torn down,
the experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
you're not alone at all
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
And this part was for her
And this part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?
It comes and goes in waves
This one's for the faithless,
the ones that are surprised
They're only where they are
now regardless of their fight
This one's for believing if
only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now
love is to be made
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
And this part was for her
And this part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes in goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I, why I try
This is for the ones who
stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they
can
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves, I
Am only led to wonder why
Why I, why, why I fly
